Every good drinking spot has it’s niche atmosphere. Whether it be hipster, dark and seedy, overly trendy, or loud and sporty. You just need a way to stand out from the crowd. And in Madison, the one that stands out the most is the Essen Haus – a unique Bavarian atmosphere, complete with costumed waitresses and live polka and German food/beer. Their beers can be served in pints, boots, and gigantic steins (which I can’t even lift when full). And the music is catchy, easy to sing along with, and a blast to dance around to (because no one really knows how to polka).

There’s a reason why this place is packed every Friday and Saturday night.

Problem: too Wisconsin. It’s pretty much every stereotype of Wisconsin packed into one bar/restaurant (minus cows). Thus, it must be avoided because you – born and raised in the great state – are above this type of entertainment and spectacle. Your sensibilities prevent you from partaking in dancing and singing polka. Because everyone knows, once you cross that line, you can never go back to claiming any east/west coast belonging. And that would be a tragedy – totally un-fabulous.

*credit for photos is linked; I have no idea who these people are, but I’m very glad they take pictures.

With divorce rates at about 50% for marriage in the USA, pretty much getting married at any age is probably a bad bet. But getting married before 25 – unacceptable! What if you’ve been a couple for the last 6 years? Or if you already live together? Or if you have the stability – mentally, emotionally, financially – to consider being with someone “’til death do you part”? Or if, because this seems to be the way it goes, you just know the other person is “the one”? Doesn’t matter.

Just like at 16, you suddenly have enough judgment to drive. At 18, you automatically have become enough of a person to vote. And at 21, you are amazingly more responsible than you were at 20, and can drink and gamble. Similarly, at 25, you have finally gained enough life experience that marriage should even be a possibility. Anyone younger than 25 and married – weirdos on the fast track to divorce and other unhappiness.

And if you didn’t know – having kids will make you unhappy in your marriage too.

…oh, wait – you’ve never been married? thanks for your unbelievable insight based on nothing whatsoever.

Apparently, mocktails are not worth the effort. Only booze.

What if I have a headache and want to enjoy the tasty pineapple and coconut flavors in my virgin pina colada without further dehydration?

Virgin is not a dirty word!

It’s quite painful to hear someone ripping (in a non-ironic fashion) on someone else for a specific trait that they actually share in common and won’t admit it.

Like…. being a hipster.

What is the contemporary definition of a hipster?

“In the late 1990s, the term became a blanket description for middle class and upper class young people associated with alternative culture, particularly alternative music, independent rock, alternative hip-hop, independent film and a lifestyle revolving around thrift store shopping, eating organic, locally grown, vegetarian, and/or vegan food, drinking local beer (or even brewing their own), listening to public radio, riding fixed-gear bicycles, and reading magazines like Vice and Clash and websites like Pitchfork vogue.” -from Wikipedia.

Our friend claims that they are not a hipster and that the author of this post is indeed such a person. I admit it, though I am positive that this person is as well and here’s why:

1. Middle class? Check.
2. Alternative music? “We’re listening to Devotchka” Check.
3. Independent Film? “I won’t watch Star Wars” Check.
4. Thrift stores? “I got these FABULOUS boots from a thrift in SAN FRANCISCO” Check X2
5. Vegetarian? Check
6. Local beer? Check
7. NPR? Check
8. Snobby magazines? The New Yorker, check.
9. Cuffed Jeans? Check.
10. Liberal arts education? Check.

The response?
“No, I’m not a hipster because I listen to Beyonce and Rihanna”
Clearly the only justification that you need.

I’m sorry. I like non-foreign language films, but that doesn’t disqualify me from hipster status.

Star Wars is the 15th greatest American movie of all time, according to the American Film Institute, and holds the 12th spot at this moment on the Internet Movie Database Top 250. Critics and fans agree, Star Wars is an excellent movie. And the thing is, you don’t have to be a science fiction geek to appreciate Star Wars. It’s a classic swashbuckling tale of a rugged anti-hero, a sarcastic princess, a whiny everyman who is reluctant to go on new adventures and make new discoveries (oh, the symbolism),  a badass villain, and, fine, robots, but robots who are basically people. Star Wars is an iconic American movie experience.

Say you had lived in some kind of hole all your life, and you had missed out on this movie-watching experience. Even if you had, by unfortunate chance, happened to see five minutes of one of the lesser, worse Star Wars prequels, you probably would have heard from everyone how great the original is. Maybe you wouldn’t actively seek it out (which would be a mistake), but you’d at least watch it if one of your friends had it on Netflix, right?

Wrong. You would fall asleep, on purpose.

Today can be a variety of things: ice cream day, pay day, or one of the days of Gen Con. Tomorrow can be these things as well; however, today cannot be tomorrow. It is impossible. Trust me, I have tried, especially trying to get to bed on the eve of an H&M store opening.

For example, Tomorrow = H&M opening, Today = day before grand opening. However, you add one day…. then Today = H&M Opening, Tomorrow = Cruising in style. They are still different. The transitive property of equality does not apply to time.

The theorem of Lavigne points out to us that “tomorrow is a different day,” therefore, today cannot be tomorrow.

So when you are angered that today is not tomorrow, it’s as if you are angry that popped collars are cool. You are battling the forces of the universe. Getting angered at today is not realistic, or even worthwhile, but I suppose it’s a way to make yourself feel different.

Two weeks ago I ordered a coke at dinner so that I would be able to drink a flavored, carbonated, refreshing, and non-alcoholic beverage (an offense in it’s own right I suppose) with my spaghetti carbonara.

This was met with an instant critique:
“Why did you order coke? How are you going to be able to sleep? I can’t believe that. I certainly wouldn’t be able to sleep.”

Please.

Caffeine is one of those things that you don’t have to think twice about until the day you turn 30. Much like trans fat, sugar, exercise, wrinkles, and contraception.

I can drink a cup of coffee and then take a nap. Likewise, I can avoid STDs by sheer will power. Will these things weaken with age? Yes, but I’m only 22.

Despite no need to worry, I do exercise for the opportunity to grunt and wear sweat bands. I mentioned that this might aid in my ability to sleep. Bad move.

“You need to stop with these subtle implications that I need exercise.”

You just can’t win.

Reasons that Nylons are the best:

• They make your legs look fabulous.
• They make your legs feel silky smooth.
• They’re warmer than nothing.
• They come in three sizes, (knee high, thigh high, full tights)  so you can adjust according to the length of your skirt.
• They cost less than $10.

Reason that Nylons are offensive:

• They get holes and runs like any other stocking.
• Once they get holes, we have to spend unnecessary amounts of money to replace them.
• This logic makes it obvious that nylons are clearly another way men are holding women down.

Today’s society has used technology to make communication much more concise. We use texts rather than full phone conversations. Twitter is even taking the place of many blogs in order to get straight to the point (so long as that point is no more than 140 characters).

Work emails have also evolved in this manner.
For example, rather than writing:

Dear Jacob, I have sat here toiling away in front of my computer and a I heard deep growl come from the depths of innards. I do think that, seeing as the sun is high in the sky, it is time to part, though briefly, with this rat race and partake in a fabulous feast of Indian food.

It can now become:
Subject: “Dude, meet in lobby 4 Indian food, stat EOM”

One of these is clearly quicker and less obnoxious than the others. It also wastes much less electronic paper. The EOM (end of message) allows you to know that you have the full message and may take action. Does this offend our friend? Yes. Why? Because she dwells in a world of ridiculous speech mannerisms and inefficiency.

Stay mad fabulous everyone.

At any barbecue joint, the best choice is clearly the salad option. At Famous Dave’s you choose “pulled BBQ chicken, Texas beef brisket or Georgia chopped pork on a bed of crisp greens, smoked bacon, Cheddar cheese, diced tomatoes and shoestring potatoes. Tossed with our house-made honey BBQ dressing”. It’s the healthy version of barbecue. And what they lack in vegetarian options, they make up for by having alcohol.