“because it’s FABULOUS outside”

{October 10, 2010}   #13 “i like it” meme

“I like it on the couch”

“I like it on the staircase”

“I like it on the kitchen counter”

I’d like it to not be every single status on my Facebook wall. For those out of the loop and too lazy to Google, ‘it’ refers to the girl’s purse. And the meme is supposedly for breast cancer awareness – it is October. Last year, it was posting your bra color. Let’s be honest, at least with bra color – you can make a loose connection to breast cancer. But purses…? Well, the only connection I could think of is that purses hold the money that you should donate to help support breast cancer awareness/research/etc. That’s a weak tie. For a cause that has such good marketing and advertising, is this really the best thing you could think up?

The only thing you’re raising awareness about is how many women on Facebook have the sense to humor of a 10 year old. OMG, it seems like I like to have sex on the floor! Heehee! Shoot me please. In case it’s a big secret – you can actually post enigmatic sexual innuendos ANY TIME YOU WANT on Facebook. In fact, you don’t even have to be suggestive – you can post all the graphic details you want. Maybe less funny, but definitely more interesting than where you keep your purse.


{August 2, 2010}   #12 airport etiquette

Airport security can be complicated. I don’t expect infrequent travelers to know all the tricks of how to pack your bag to efficiently move through security or navigate self check-in without help. But there are basics everyone should know.

1) Easily removable shoes – you may argue this isn’t intuitive, but remember that security has been forcing us to do this for years now. I hate waiting for people who have to untie their shoes.

2) Listening to the rules – when they say they’re boarding Zone 1, they’re boarding Zone 1. Get in line.

3) Gate checking luggage – if your luggage is large or you’re toward the end of boarding, just gate check. It’s better than trying to fit your suitcase into the overhead and then having to back all the way out of the plane to gate check anyway.

{July 11, 2010}   #11 Exercise guilt

You know how doctors always ask those “lifestyle” questions at your annual check-up? And you know how you always know the “right” answer isn’t the one you can truthfully give? Point in case – how often do you exercise?

Right answer: at least 30 minutes 5 times a week

Real answer: I take a flight of stairs in the morning to get to my office…sometimes.

And sure, your doctor be tactful and not give you a lame lecture. But they’re still judging you – silently. Despite the fact that I’m a perfectly healthy 25 year old, who eats healthy and takes my vitamins. Maybe I just don’t like to sweat. Maybe I had a traumatic accident while working out. Maybe I’m just a very busy, important person – who would rather eat fabulous food than go running.

I don’t need a guilt trip from someone I see once a year!

{July 8, 2010}   blah blah blah…

No, I haven’t died nor did I fully forget about this blog. In fact, I keep wanting to co-opt it because I love the name so much. That being said – I’m thinking it’s time for a change. 10 months of silence is enough to be counted as dead, right? So this will be take number 2. Posting once a week.


{August 10, 2009}   #10 Essen Haus/Polka

Essen Haus bootEvery good drinking spot has it’s niche atmosphere. Whether it be hipster, dark and seedy, overly trendy, or loud and sporty. You just need a way to stand out from the crowd. And in Madison, the one that stands out the most is the Essen Haus – a unique Bavarian atmosphere, complete with costumed waitresses and live polka and German food/beer. Their beers can be served in pints, boots, and gigantic steins (which I can’t even lift when full). And the music is catchy, easy to sing along with, and a blast to dance around to (because no one really knows how to polka).

Essen Haus stein

There’s a reason why this place is packed every Friday and Saturday night.

Problem: too Wisconsin. It’s pretty much every stereotype of Wisconsin packed into one bar/restaurant (minus cows). Thus, it must be avoided because you – born and raised in the great state – are above this type of entertainment and spectacle. Your sensibilities prevent you from partaking in dancing and singing polka. Because everyone knows, once you cross that line, you can never go back to claiming any east/west coast belonging. And that would be a tragedy – totally un-fabulous.

*credit for photos is linked; I have no idea who these people are, but I’m very glad they take pictures.

{August 4, 2009}   #9 Getting married before 25

With divorce rates at about 50% for marriage in the USA, pretty much getting married at any age is probably a bad bet. But getting married before 25 – unacceptable! What if you’ve been a couple for the last 6 years? Or if you already live together? Or if you have the stability – mentally, emotionally, financially – to consider being with someone “’til death do you part”? Or if, because this seems to be the way it goes, you just know the other person is “the one”? Doesn’t matter.

Just like at 16, you suddenly have enough judgment to drive. At 18, you automatically have become enough of a person to vote. And at 21, you are amazingly more responsible than you were at 20, and can drink and gamble. Similarly, at 25, you have finally gained enough life experience that marriage should even be a possibility. Anyone younger than 25 and married – weirdos on the fast track to divorce and other unhappiness.

And if you didn’t know – having kids will make you unhappy in your marriage too.

…oh, wait – you’ve never been married? thanks for your unbelievable insight based on nothing whatsoever.

{May 1, 2009}   #8 Mocktails

Apparently, mocktails are not worth the effort. Only booze.

What if I have a headache and want to enjoy the tasty pineapple and coconut flavors in my virgin pina colada without further dehydration?

Virgin is not a dirty word!

{April 30, 2009}   #7 Hipsters

It’s quite painful to hear someone ripping (in a non-ironic fashion) on someone else for a specific trait that they actually share in common and won’t admit it.

Like…. being a hipster.

What is the contemporary definition of a hipster?

“In the late 1990s, the term became a blanket description for middle class and upper class young people associated with alternative culture, particularly alternative music, independent rock, alternative hip-hop, independent film and a lifestyle revolving around thrift store shopping, eating organic, locally grown, vegetarian, and/or vegan food, drinking local beer (or even brewing their own), listening to public radio, riding fixed-gear bicycles, and reading magazines like Vice and Clash and websites like Pitchfork vogue.” -from Wikipedia.

Our friend claims that they are not a hipster and that the author of this post is indeed such a person. I admit it, though I am positive that this person is as well and here’s why:

1. Middle class? Check.
2. Alternative music? “We’re listening to Devotchka” Check.
3. Independent Film? “I won’t watch Star Wars” Check.
4. Thrift stores? “I got these FABULOUS boots from a thrift in SAN FRANCISCO” Check X2
5. Vegetarian? Check
6. Local beer? Check
7. NPR? Check
8. Snobby magazines? The New Yorker, check.
9. Cuffed Jeans? Check.
10. Liberal arts education? Check.

The response?
“No, I’m not a hipster because I listen to Beyonce and Rihanna”
Clearly the only justification that you need.

I’m sorry. I like non-foreign language films, but that doesn’t disqualify me from hipster status.

{March 22, 2009}   #6: Star Wars

Star Wars is the 15th greatest American movie of all time, according to the American Film Institute, and holds the 12th spot at this moment on the Internet Movie Database Top 250. Critics and fans agree, Star Wars is an excellent movie. And the thing is, you don’t have to be a science fiction geek to appreciate Star Wars. It’s a classic swashbuckling tale of a rugged anti-hero, a sarcastic princess, a whiny everyman who is reluctant to go on new adventures and make new discoveries (oh, the symbolism),  a badass villain, and, fine, robots, but robots who are basically people. Star Wars is an iconic American movie experience.

Say you had lived in some kind of hole all your life, and you had missed out on this movie-watching experience. Even if you had, by unfortunate chance, happened to see five minutes of one of the lesser, worse Star Wars prequels, you probably would have heard from everyone how great the original is. Maybe you wouldn’t actively seek it out (which would be a mistake), but you’d at least watch it if one of your friends had it on Netflix, right?

Wrong. You would fall asleep, on purpose.

{March 20, 2009}   #5 Today Not Being Tomorrow

Today can be a variety of things: ice cream day, pay day, or one of the days of Gen Con. Tomorrow can be these things as well; however, today cannot be tomorrow. It is impossible. Trust me, I have tried, especially trying to get to bed on the eve of an H&M store opening.

For example, Tomorrow = H&M opening, Today = day before grand opening. However, you add one day…. then Today = H&M Opening, Tomorrow = Cruising in style. They are still different. The transitive property of equality does not apply to time.

The theorem of Lavigne points out to us that “tomorrow is a different day,” therefore, today cannot be tomorrow.

So when you are angered that today is not tomorrow, it’s as if you are angry that popped collars are cool. You are battling the forces of the universe. Getting angered at today is not realistic, or even worthwhile, but I suppose it’s a way to make yourself feel different.

et cetera